Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
