You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
