So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
