Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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