he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
