the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
