did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
