i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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