Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize