I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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