I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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