saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
