The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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