i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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