Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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