Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
