My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
