You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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