life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize