If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
