We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
