When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize