Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
