I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
