I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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