I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
