Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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