When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
