just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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