On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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