Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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