My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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