her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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