Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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