I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
