Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
