i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
