Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We need to get me chipped asap
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
