And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize