I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
