By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
