She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
