U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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