every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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