Can i not drive my cunt home
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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