My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
