News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
