why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
