my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
True college students do jello shots in the library
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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