well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
