i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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