I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
