"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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