im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My bed smells like the plague
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
