there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
