FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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