I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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