You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
