Michael Bay diarrhea
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize